I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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