Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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