Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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