dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
PANTIES FOUND
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
