How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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