Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
