So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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