ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
