the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
