I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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