yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
