So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
