Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
