It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
