ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
