Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was not drunk enough for that final.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
