You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
