Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
