matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
