we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
