So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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