saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
