It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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