My sheets look like a crime scene.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My ass is underappreciated
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm both gender and math confused
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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