You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
