I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
