i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
