remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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