mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
