when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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