So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
