a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
organizing the empties. That sober.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
