puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
