i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
