Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We are two peas in an std pod
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
