I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
