So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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