well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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