I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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