Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
