it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
