woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
