I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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