You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
