I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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