i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
