and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
