In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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