At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
try to milk me bitch
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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