sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
