Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How does one acquire holy water?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
