dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
