its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
