Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
