im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
