you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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