can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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