so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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