I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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